Dumb Sports Fans Not Wisconsin's Sole Acclaim

Not only are people still ripping on Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy for trading Favre--to the point they make a weekly call bragging about Favre's game and ripping Rodger's Sunday (except this week and week one, hmmmph)--but they are also the worst drinkers in the world.
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=807584

More Like the Big Candy-Ass Conference...

Have you seen this weak ass commercial produced by the Big 12 Conference? Weak.
Go play intramurals, brothers.

Hardly Clerkin'

  For those that don’t know, I recently took a job clerking at a book and cigar shop. Much like the mall in the Blues Brothers, this place has everything—including sundries for Dennis. The magazine selection is particularly impressive, one of the largest collections in the state including the largest porn assortment (not including porn shops which are a dime a dozen in this state).
  The best thing about having a porn stash that rivals Terry’s, is watching the different mannerisms and strategies of those that obtain porn from our store. There are plenty of connoisseurs that come right in grab what they need and go, but there are more that attempt to disguise their purpose.
  There is the “intellectual” porn guy that will hover around the current affairs/science/political sections for ten minutes flipping blindly through titles before strolling over to the porn section, as if surprised that it’s there, and within moments grab a sealed copy of Playboy or Penthouse and head out.
  Then there is “can’t buy porn in front of women” porn guy that will neither stand perusing the porn nor purchase the porn if there is a female in the store. You can see their eyes darting to see if they have left yet so they can saunter back and get there copy of Mega-Boobies quarterly Bosom Bonanza Special.
  Similar to the previous buyer is “can’t buy porn in front of anyone” porn guy. Surprisingly, this guy is not ashamed to stand there as long as he needs to make a selection. Instead, he seems more embarrassed by the title he choose—he will hurriedly make his way to the counter if and only if there was no customer near the register.
  I honestly never checked out all the titles we had in store—not because I didn’t want to—just because I usually have too much to do as an employee. However, I was stunned the last time I worked by two separate porn aficionados—if that’s what you want to call them.
  The first “gentleman” was a straight-up, “can’t buy porn in front of anyone” guy. When he finally made his John Deere hat-wearing-self way to the counter there, sandwiched between a copy of WWD (Woman’s Wear Digest) and Cosmo, was a magazine whose title I have repressed and don’t care to remember. However, I do know that it was a magazine of transvestites. Judging by the other two titles, he not only got off on RuPaul but liked to dress like he/she in his free time.
Second up was a modified “intellectual” porn guy. He came in and interrupted a customer talking to me about cigars in order to loudly ask about Thomas More’s Utopia. After I took of my tobacconist hat, I located the book for him. He didn’t actually want the book he said, “Just price checking.” He then asked about the availability of a profound economics book that he supposed to read in college that predicted today’s economic instability. After chatting for a few more minutes he moved onward to the porn. When the store cleared he hurried to counter and slapped a copy of “60” on the counter. Sexagenarian porn, as it turns out.
  That’s right, Tranny and Granny porn.
  I felt Lady Macbeth that night, washing out the imaginary stain that those two purchases left on my soul. Out damn spot. Out.

Pirate Treasure

I always wanted to be a pirate but I was never tough enough.
I never realized there were job openings for pirate spokesmen.

The Kids Are Playing Their Tail Off...

…and the coaches are screwing it up!!

  So many coaches this year, in both the professional and college ranks, are making awful decisions when it comes to field goals and two-point conversions. Decisions so poor they are usually reserved for Bill Cass when he gets bored at the poker table, not for coaches making a good living at it. I believe it is time these coaches pick up a copy of Madden ’09 and utilize the Madden I.Q. feature in an effort to “step their game up”.
  I just finished watching the Iowa-Michigan State tilt and the one-time sagacious Kirk Ferentz decided to go for it on fourth down far too early in the game, theoretically taking points off the board by not attempting the 38-yard field goal. Of course it’s not automatic, but a coach has to play the odds—just like assuming the dealer has a ten or face card down in Blackjack, a coach must assume a field goal try less than 45 yards is three points. Ferentz once again went for it late in fourth quarter when the same situation presented itself. It was not necessarily a bad decision at that point in the game, but had he not opted to kick it earlier this time he could have been kicking for the lead and possibly the win.
  And the answer is no, I didn’t lose my pick because if Iowa…they still covered for me.
  In the NFL there have been numerous examples this year; week three brought about its fair share of poor coaching decisions. The most annoying to me was Gary Kubiak doing his best to sabotage the Texans. Early in the SECOND QUARTER he went for the 2-point conversion trailing 14-12 and it failed. This set the tone for the game and set the scene for more bad decisions. After the Tennessee Titans went up 24-12 early in the third quarter Kubiak twice decided to go for it on fourth down in lieu of attempting very makeable kicks for Rob Bironas. Now, instead of being down 24-19 and one touchdown behind, they were in need of two scores. This urgency led to aggressive play-calling and risky play-making by Matt Schaub which then manifested itself as two interceptions.
  Basically what I am saying is: I am available for hire if your team needs a head coach. My expertise far exceeds that of your current coach.
  Especially on Monday mornings.