The Captain Eyes a Week Off

The first week of Season 3 commenced with a notable exception from the event's lineup (two exceptions if you count Russ and his weak softballs fetish; and I do not count him). JP, the former USJPL champion, missed the event due to an elective surgery. We do not know the exact details--however, we have never let the lack of facts and accurate information prevent us from reporting our fake brand of news.
During a poker break at the Flint school JP teaches at, a student began making intelligent bets, folding weak hands, and was soon chip leader. This angered the educator greatly. A fracas ensued between the former goaltender and the Kraft-like student. The teenager was able to reach down far enough to grab JP’s neck and began choking him. JP fought back with a truculence not seen since Adam visited Pizza Hut for the all-you-can-eat lunch buffet. This retaliation freed him long enough to signal the armed guards for backup. Moments later the youth was dragged down the hall, passed the metal detectors, out the front gate, and locked outside the razor-wired fence. He was given a six-pack of Busch beer and told he could use it as a voucher to attend Conner Creek Academy. Even though the young poker player was successfully removed from the facility, during the brief asphyxiation period a blood vessel in JP’s eye exploded, showering the innards of his eyeball with Captain Morgan, Diet Coke, and insulin.
Concerned with possibly losing his eyesight, JP visited his local voodoo practitioner. The “doctor” recommended doing nothing because the eye would heal on its own. JP felt this diagnosis was quackery and demanded he be cut open, since there is nothing risky about a simple eye surgery. In lieu of flipping a coin, the eye doctor and JP played heads-up Hold ‘Em to determine whether or not the surgery would be performed. Ten minutes later, patients in the waiting room could hear the doctor shouting from the exam room, “I GOT JP’D!!! I GOT JP’D!!!”
After surgery, his eye sight was not good enough and would possibly cause him to make poor decisions, so he elected not to make it to poker. As it turns he did not actually need to see to play cards that night, since the game was played in the dark. The good news is that JP has procured a parrot and an eye-patch to provide The Nemesis with plenty of great photographs for the season ahead. It should be a banner year. (Have I mentioned the banner available for purchase at out NemesisK2 giftshop?)

NemesisK2 Launches

For two years now, The Nemesis has been the leading publication in the world of fantasy sports. Its rocket-like ascent to the top was due in part to the demise of The Diatribe, a once powerful publication that focused on fantasy football and the jags that gamble on such activities. Rumors of the thought-to-be defunct newsletter have been surfacing in cow pastures all over the land and jokingly discussed at poker games across the Detroit metro area. Even if does return however, it still may not be able to regain the title that the ever growing Nemesis has attained.
This year we have added this lame website to our arsenal of poker and fantasy sports banter. It will carry the occasional article that does not make it into The Nemesis, reprint the wonderful ads that debut in The Nemesis, provide links to our Cafepress website (in the hope of selling the very fashionable and admirably creative goods we have there) as well as links to important NemesisK2 sites (stats, schedules, email, etc.), and an online web portal for its members will all come together to keep fantasy jags up to date on fantasy and poker standings. Of course, this website will further the use its powers to comment on Russ’s spelling, Ryan’s mole, Dennis’s vagina, Neil’s gun , plus updates on Gladwin and Las Vegas trips.
Other benefits to this blog include the ability to obtain feedback from everyone plus the opportunity for the comments to provide league-wide entertainment that goes beyond just our Tuesday gatherings.
The bi-weekly(-ish) emailed newsletter will still be around to dispense it usual brand of exceptionally average writing colored with random pictures, illustrations, and/or fake ads that far exceed the humor content of the writing itself. It will also be filled with much self-praise and disparaging remarks about others to facilitate the notion that the publication is cooler than it actually is; like any proper cult, we strive to make its members feel that others are inferior and those that do not enjoy the commentary are outcasts and not awesome like us.